Just writing that headline made me queasy. It is one of my least favourite things in the world — people who wear clothes in the exact same shade as their skin tone. And frankly I don't care what tone your skin is, just so long as there is some contrast between it and your frock, knowwaddimean? And yet the ladies at the 2013 Golden Globe Awards did not get that memo. There were so many of them, it was almost a joke. It was definitely dull. And it was played out worst when it was paired with all the other things I hate — fishtails and strapless! Yes, Amy Adams you were the worst offender of these crimes. Although, the Marchesa dress, and you are utterly lovely. I almost fell asleep at the sight of Megan Fox in her Dolce and Gabbana. It looks like she did too. Apparently she said, "it's tight, it's lace, that's all there is to it." And to you too young lady. Anne Hathaway was in Chanel and should have stood out. Instead she paired her white alabaster skin with a similarly shaded corset and skirt and made herself look as insubstantial as possible. Why? I don't get it. And what a fuss she made about winning. She needs to take some lessons from the Brits on how to win with dignity. And maybe how to dress like a Dame. That'll sort her out. Hayden Panettiere wore Roberto Cavalli and I don't think Roberto has ever made such a non-sexy dress. Is it possible? Frou-de-frou-frou-frou. Pah.

It didn't end there with the strapless and fishtails. No, lace got in on the act and paired up with sheer to do those dresses which are skin tone and illusion netting become one. Jennifer Lopez wore Zuhair Murad of course. The master of such things. And some people loved it. I did not. I say that it is time to move on from this JLo. You can do better. Also Amanda Seyfried in Givenchy was a disappointment. Both Les Mis girls fading into the background. This was not a white dress moment on the red carpet. it was BLAH. Oh and I just put Lea Michele in there because she wore Elie Saab and it was fine. Actually I should have left it out. I'm so tired now I need a nap. To sleep, to dream about dresses of power, punch and panache.